It was the coldest, most utterly silent and sad morning of the entire year, or perhaps the century. Despite the greenery and mighty mountains around, the whole scene felt dull. The sky seemed red, as if filled with blood; the birds, unusually, were not chirping, and all the blossomed flowers had withered within hours. It seemed like all of nature was mourning some great loss.
A few houses away, in a cozy, wooden-roofed home in some distant northern area, he sat silently looking at the love of his life, his wife, Zaria. She wasn’t traditionally beautiful: wheatish skin tone, small black eyes, a nose that wasn’t slim but perfectly proportioned, plump lips, and of average height. She didn’t meet the so-called beauty standards of this world. But her heart was like no other, clearer than a mirror. Her nature, her politeness, the way her voice resembled the gentle call of a quail when she spoke, her generosity, her sincerity, her kindness, these qualities had won his heart five years ago. And these traits made her the most beautiful woman in his eyes. She was his, and that was enough. He was perfectly happy with her.
He gazed at her pitch-black hair and remembered how she always said she wanted to dye it, but he had always refused, saying he liked it just the way it was. She would feel sad and ask, “When will I get to fulfill my little wishes?” And he would smile and reply, “Since when have our wishes been separate? My wish is your wish, and my wish is for you not to dye it. I like the natural black shade.”
Zaria would reply, “Adil, and what about the part where my wish is your wish?”
Adil would respond playfully, “We’ll talk about it later.”
Zaria would laugh, “You’re such a cheater.”
Coming back from this flashback, a faded smile appeared on his lips. His gaze fell on her delicate hands, where he noticed her wedding ring. Once again, his mind wandered to the joyous day of their wedding, two years ago. Adil was the only child of his parents, while Zaria’s parents had died in a car accident a few years earlier. She had been living with her elder brother, but after he married, Zaria became somewhat of a burden to him. He wanted her to get married as soon as possible. So, when Zaria told him about Adil, her brother accepted easily. However, the situation was different with Adil’s parents, especially his mother. She had wanted Adil to marry his cousin, but Adil was adamant. It was either Zaria, or he would never marry, or even leave home forever. His parents had no choice but to accept her.
Even on their wedding day, Adil’s mother was overheard saying, “God knows what spell she’s cast on my son. She’s neither beautiful, nor intellectual, nor from a wealthy family, yet my son hears no other name but hers.”
Adil recalled teasing Zaria on their wedding day, putting his shoes on her gown. She had become so furious and said, “Adil, if you do that again, I’ll kick you so hard you won’t be able to walk straight. If you want to behave like that, leave the stage and go sit with the guests.” He had laughed, and she had blushed. It was the best day of their lives.
Adil was posted to the northern area within a few months of their wedding. The first two years were full of happiness. But things began to change when Zaria didn’t conceive. The pressure from Adil’s mother grew. Every time she called, she asked the same thing. At first, Adil didn’t take it seriously, but over time, his behavior changed. Zaria noticed. She, too, was worried. She desperately wanted a child. They consulted many doctors, but all of them said there were no complications; it was just God’s will. Days passed, and the distance between them grew until one day, it became unbearable for Zaria.
She confronted Adil, and for the first time in their two years of marriage, they had a serious argument.
Zaria: “What’s the matter, Adil? You’ve changed. You’re cold towards me now.”
Adil: “That’s not true. It’s just work, too much of it.”
Zaria: “Don’t lie. You were never like this. What’s going on?”
Adil: “As if you don’t know.”
Zaria: “What do you mean? Say it clearly.”
Adil: “What will happen to my lineage, Zaria? Have you thought about that? Every day, my mother calls, asking about it. All my friends who married around the same time as us have two kids by now. Look at us.”
Zaria was speechless for a moment. “I can’t believe this, Adil. I didn’t expect this from you. Do you think I’m not worried? We’ve tried every doctor. If it’s not happening, is it my fault?”
Adil: “Of course, it’s your fault. It’s your deficiency, your imperfection.”
Zaria was silent. Her eyes filled with tears. She wanted to speak, but no words came out.
Adil continued angrily, “I want my heir. I want kids. My blood. Enough is enough. I can’t keep answering my parents about this.”
He stormed out of the house. Zaria sat down and cried, Adil’s hurtful words echoing in her mind.
In her pain, she took out a small diary from her drawer. She thought writing might help her release some of the anguish.
Entry #1
“What is a deficiency?
What is an imperfection?
Are these imperfections within humans, or within our minds?
Does one so-called imperfection erase all love and promises so quickly?
Am I nothing more than an imperfection to him now?
Do I have no value in his life anymore?”
She didn’t want to write pages and pages, just a few lines to convey her pain. When she finally fell asleep at her writing table, she didn’t know.
Days turned into months, and the distance between them grew. Zaria did everything she could to please Adil, but it seemed like he had lost all interest in her. She sank into depression, her health deteriorating. Her once-sparkling eyes were now as dull as an eclipse. She had no friends here, and the loneliness added to her despair.
One day, she asked Adil if she could get a job, but his response shocked her.
Adil: “So now, to distract yourself from your imperfection, you want to show that I’m not providing for you and you need to work?”
Zaria: “How can you think that, Adil? I had no such intention. I just feel so alone. I have nothing to do all day. The house haunts me. I want to interact with people.”
Adil: “I don’t want to hear about this again.”
She opened her diary again.
Entry #2
“How fast time changes.
Adil, once so broad-minded and supportive, now sees my wish as an attack on his manly ego.
Are our egos really that fragile? Are we humans really that hollow?”
A week later, while out for groceries, she felt exhausted and stopped at a roadside dhaba for tea. As she sat there, she saw Adil across the street, laughing and holding hands with a woman, his secretary. She remembered that girl instantly. It was his secretary. Zaria had seen her in an office group photo, and at that time, she had asked him, ‘Who is she?’ Adil had replied playfully, ‘A pretty girl, can’t you see?’ Zaria stared at him, and Adil laughed. ‘No one can be prettier than my dear wife. And by the way, this is my secretary.
Zaria could hardly breathe. She returned home and cried. Late that night, when Adil came home, she confronted him. He tried to deny it, but then he shamelessly confessed to the affair, saying he had no interest in her anymore. They fought, and he slapped her.
“Just die,” he yelled. “Give me some peace. You’re good for nothing.”
He stormed out of the house.
That was the last straw for Zaria. She had already made up her mind.
She took out her diary and wrote:
Entry #3
“I have loved you so much, so selflessly, that I’ve forgotten how to live without you. I don’t know how to breathe without you. My mornings used to begin when I saw your face, but for months now, you haven’t even come home at night. I don’t remember the last time I saw a morning.
Maybe the fault was mine. Humans are not made for Ishq. They are unworthy of it. Ishq is divine, and I lowered it by loving a human. Perhaps that’s why God has punished me. I am shattered beyond repair. You were my cure, but if you’re gone, there’s no point in anything.
I could bear everything, the loneliness, your cold behavior, society’s pressure, your family’s harshness, even the loss of love between us, but I cannot bear betrayal, Adil. I just can’t. I am shattered.”
Adil was reading these last lines from the diary that Zaria had left open on the table when Zaria’s phone rang. He wouldn’t have picked it up, but when he saw it was her gynecologist, he answered. The doctor’s voice was filled with excitement.
“Zaria, your test results are in. Congratulations, you’re pregnant! It happens sometimes that pregnancies don’t show up in ultrasounds for several months. Come see me as soon as you can, and give Adil my congratulations as well!”
Adil couldn’t believe what he heard. The phone slipped through his hands, and he read the last two lines of the entry.
“You said, Die. I love you so much that I can’t leave any of your wishes unfulfilled, as you used to say, ‘My wish should be your wish too.’ So, my dear, your Zaria fulfilled your this wish as well. See, I am DEAD.”
It seemed like Adil had turned to stone. His eyes were stuck on the dangling dead body of his once-beloved wife, hanging from the fan.
No one could tell if he himself was dead or alive at that very moment. Maybe he was thinking about how he would carry the weight of two dead bodies now.
All was lost.